Bounded Freedom

Freedom is great. But there's no freedom or liberty without borders.
Too much freedom will cause chaos, will damage others or even yourself.


Boundaries are essential for developing ourselves and relationships with each other, for our ability to give and receive love, for spiritual growth, and for a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

However, boundaries are often violated and we ask ourselves what we can do about it.

In their book 'When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life', psychologists Cloud and Townsend show how to set reasonable boundaries in relationships.

On their website you'll gain sound advice on boundary matters.

On their website, just fill in a search word, click and simply watch the correspondent video (example) !

Example
In 'How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding' the next example has been given:

Leviticus 19:17 states: "Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt"

The word rebuke here is not necessarily an adversarial word. It can mean to "reason together" or to "correct." This verse directly ties our resentment to our failure to talk to someone about something.

In addition, if we avoid confrontation, we share guilt in the problem, we are enabling the problem. To the extent that we are not talking to someone, we are part of the problem and have very little right to be as angry as we sometimes get.

Therefore you should hold someone accountable, when he does something you do not want.

Going one step further:

To the extent you allow someone to do something you resent, you are responsible for the consequences.

Laws
Cloud and Townsend have als developed some boundary principles.

As a shortcut, their Ten Laws of Boundaries :

1. Sowing and Reaping
   Our actions have consequences. Someone will bear them.
   Don’t interrupt this law by regularly bailing others out.


2. Responsibility
   We are responsible 'to', not 'for' each other.
   We are to love one another, not be one another.


3. Power
   We do not have power over other people.
   We hardly have enough power over ourselves


4. Respect
   If we wish our boundaries to be respected we must respect those of others.
   For with the measure you use, you will be measured.


5. Motivation
   We must be free to say 'no' before we can wholeheartedly say 'yes'.
   “Acts of love” are worthless if we don’t feel to have a choice


6. Evaluation
   We need to evaluate the effects our boundaries cause others.
   Hurt and harm are not the same – pain may eventually lead to growth


7. Proactivity
   Boundaries must express what you stand for, not just what you are against.
   Solve problems on the basis of your values, wants, and needs


8. Envy
   We will never get what we want if we focus on what others have.
   Envy keeps us empty and unfulfilled


9. Activity
   We need to take the initiative to solve our problems.
   Don’t wait for your partner to take the first step


10. Exposure
    Boundaries must be communicated.
    Otherwise they are invisible to others

Applying these rules, looks simple, but is hard to do. However, they make the difference in life.

The best freedom is 'Bounded Freedom' !

The Real YOU

Perhaps it'll be disappointing and hard to acknowledge, but there's no objective 'Real YOU'. There's only the 'Perceived YOU', perceived by others or yourself and strongly dependent on the context you're operating in.

Here's the simple proof.

Read out loud, from top to bottom, the next three characters:


This was quite simple, wasn't it?
Let's go to step two.

Now read out loud, from left to right, the next three characters:



Now read out loud the character in the middle:



The middle character
The character in the middle isn't just the letter 'B' nor is it the number '13', it has the potention of being both. Only when it is 'perceived', it takes a definitive value (appearance), depending on the character context and the characteristics of the perceiver.

If the context is a story or a literal phrase, the character will be perceived as the letter "B". If the context consists of numbers, the character will be perceived as number "13".

No context?
What if there is no context (not possible) or very little and we show up just the character in the middle?

In general, apart from context, a perceiver P Rates or measures a target T on an attribute X can be defined as:

R_x(P,T,R) = Perceiver effect + Target effect + Relationship effect + Constant

In case with no context and very little Target- or Relationship Effect, the perception depends (almost) totally on the identity and experiences of the perceiver (Perceiver Effect).

If the perceiver is a writer or has a non-science background, the character will probabely be perceived as the letter "B". In case of a scientist, or mathematician, the character will mostly be seen as the number "13".

The Real YOU
Now with you, yourself, it's just the same. There is no objective or context-independent "Real YOU". There is no YOU without others. There's only the YOU that's perceived by others or yourself (self reflection).

So think twice about how you pick your context (friends, social environment, employer, town). If you don't like the way people perceive you, change or reprogram your habits and consider picking a new 'context'.

Quantum mechanics
In fact the same principles as in "quantum mechanics" apply:

• If you measure 'light' as a wave, you'll perceive it as a wave.
• If you measure 'light' as a particle, you'll perceive it as a particle.
• If you would have 'measured' it as anything els, like 'weight', 'energy' or a 'potato', it would have been perceived as 'that' as well.

So the question is not whether 'light' is a wave or a particle. 'Light' is neither, it has only 'wave' of 'particle' properties (attributes).

Back to YOU
It's the same with people that have a perception of YOU. They'll value you at their biased percepted properties. Just like yourself, they'll never get to know the ultimate 'real you', it simply isn't there.

So this means the real YOU is mainly the YOU IN OTHERS (apart from your narcissistic biased self). That's why it's so important to choose friends in life that believe in YOU.

Only real friends will accept you without conditions. They recognize and reflect your initial intentions in life ( You=Me principle) and therefore accept to live an fight with all of your good an bad (perceived) 'properties' (personality, habits, etc).

The real you is 'there'
Don't get mixed up now you found out the 'real you' doesn't 'exist'. It only means the 'real you' isn't perceivable, visible or knowable (only the attributes).

The real you is out there where no living human being has access to (let's cal it the i-dimension). It's very valuable, enjoy it in life, it's a gift.......

Cross View Quadrants

When you're balanced in life, the 'art' is to keep it that way.
The Cross View Quadrant (CVQ) helps you to stay dynamically balanced.



This is how CVQ helps:

• Just ask your best friend(s) to write down your best and improvable (worst) capabilities (character, skills, competences) on paper.
• Independently, write down yourself, what you think your best and most improvable capabilities are.
• Now draw a cross table (4 quadrants) of the two papers.

How to deal with the four quadrants to keep balanced or improve your relationship?

A. Quadrant ++
This quadrant contains your positive capabilities that you and your friend agree on.

Enjoy those capabilities and be sure to spend enough time with each other to keep sharing them with your friend.

However, if both of you only find positive points and no differences, be aware. The risk that both of you are too entangled and have developed a follies a deux is substantial. If, in the future, the environment changes, differences will show up.
Go back and try to find minor or weak qualities, if necessary discover yourself with help of the core quality test.

B. Quadrant - -
This quadrant contains your negative or most improvable capabilities you and your friend agree on.

Together with your friend try to find out, if it's realistic or desirable to improve your capabilities or not. If not, confirm, accept - and sometimes - even learn to enjoy them. If improvable, ask for your friends help and feedback to improve your capabilities.

C. Quadrant + -
This quadrant contains positive capabilities that you think you have. However your friend doesn't recognize or mention them, or even thinks they're your weakest points.

There are several ways to deal with this:

1. You're sure of this strong point, but your friend doesn't like it
   Be sure this is really a strong capability, by checking with other friends. If so, learn to accept and respect your friends flavor. Keep this point in your pocket and save it for other friends. Don't try to convince your friend (in hours of discussions) of this strong quality of yours, it could start to undermine your relationship.
   
   
2. Your friend criticizes your best quality as weak
   Try to find out if you're 'over the hill' and what originally was a fine quality has become 'too much of a good thing'.
   Anyhow, keep more of this quality respectful in your pocket.
   
   
3. You haven't been able to demonstrate your strong point yet
   Simply show it!
   
   

D. Quadrant - +
This quadrant contains positive capabilities your friend recognizes in you, but you don't think you have them, experience them as negative or are unconscious about them.

This is the most trickiest quadrant. Let's discuss the options:

1. You're unconscious of the strong points addressed
   If you were unconscious of the strong points addressed by your friend, think why? Now you are aware of this quality, enjoy it, don't go 'demonstrating' it, but keep using it spontaneously and in a relaxed way.
   
   
2. You think this positive point is not (that of) a quality of yours
   It's tricky to mention and discuss this, certainly in a business relationship.
   
   Most promotions and appointments are done by bossing bosses who think they know you well. They have a positive biased view on your capabilities. Moreover, they often select you because they notice that you have the same qualities as they have.
   
   By discussing your qualities, your boss could become disappointed because it now turns out he had the wrong view. He might also think that you and he are not 'on the same page', or he might even be offended.
   
   So if your boss thinks you're super intelligent, a top sales executive or a born leader, think twice before you disappoint him by denying or discussing it.
   
   Try to listen and find out why your boss thinks the way he does. This might give you a new sight on yourself.
   
   

Success in applying the CVQ in business and life!